I’m Zachary Zane, a sex columnist and author of Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto. Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I’ve learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and many other places, TBH). I’m here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn’t just “communicate with your partner” because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It.
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Dear Sexplain It,
My bisexual struggle, like most of us, is that all women are beautiful, majestic, loving people, and men need to GET THE FUCK AWAY. I was attacked by a guy outside a club a few years ago. Therapy got me back to the place where I want to get back out there with guys. I’d like to be able to get back to feeling comfortable with men. They’re also a lot more sexually aggressive, or perhaps a better word is “transparent”—I don’t want to put down every guy in a generalization—in asking or showing what they want. On paper, I like it. In execution, it’s stressful. What do I do?
The Bi-Guy Who Is Tri-ing
Dear Tri-ing Bi Guy,
Before anything else, I want to congratulate you for getting into therapy and addressing your assault. I know firsthand how daunting of a journey that can be, and there are moments where the idea of remaining celibate feels like the easier option than facing your sexual trauma. Kudos for reaching a place where you want to be sexually intimate with men again!
While perhaps it’s a slight over-generalization, I believe it’s fair to say that men tend to be more sexually aggressive and upfront about having sex than women. In nearly every culture, men are conditioned to be the pursuers, whereas women are conditioned to be chased. It’s often deemed “unladylike” to be sexually assertive, though I would say that’s slowly changing, at least here in the United States, as there’s a push to challenge traditional gender roles.
If you go to a gay club and post up at the bar alone with a vodka soda in your hand, the men who approach you are likely to be aggressive. (I don’t want to say that’s the point, but that is kinda the point.) Not to mention, many people are drunk or on other substances at bars, so they may be even more assertive, and less likely to read social cues, than if they were sober.
So I’m inclined to say, let’s not head to gay bars just yet. Let’s instead use gay hook-up apps like Grindr. (Full transparency: I’m Grindr’s Sex and Relationship Expert. If Grindr isn’t your speed, there are, of course, other gay hook-up/dating apps.)
When using Grindr, you can indicate in your bio that you want to take things slowly. You’re not looking for a “pump and dump;” you’re looking to see if you connect before hooking up. Maybe you want to grab a coffee first or invite them over for video games. Then, go ahead and confirm this when messaging back and forth, as some men don’t read bios.
Say, “Hey, I’m down to fuck, but I like to feel comfortable with a guy before getting naked. Are you open to a quick FaceTime or to grab coffee before having sex?”
Some guys are just looking for a quick fuck, so they won’t be interested. That’s okay! You are trying to filter out the ones who just want a zero-effort hookup or are super aggressive. You want the guys who aren’t as aggressive, who are down to take things slowly, and who aren’t going to make you feel pressured or uncomfortable. Luckily, those guys exist, and guess what! They are on the apps because, like you, they don’t enjoy how aggressive some men are when out at a gay club.
So get online and start searching for “chiller,” less aggressive dudes. Good luck, Mr. Bi Guy!
