I’m Zachary Zane, a sex columnist and author of Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto. Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I’ve learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and many other places, TBH). I’m here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn’t just “communicate with your partner” because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It.
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Dear Sexplain It,
I’m currently with a man I’ve known for many years. He is extremely sexually experienced, and has shared some of his fantasies and experiences with men with me. While discussing this, he explained that he likes to bottom for men and would only top if they’re quite feminine physically (i.e., no chest hair, etc). He was very adamant he does not want affection or anything romantic with men, but just sexually likes being with them. He simply finds giving pleasure to others gets him off. I believe he is bi and has some internal homophobia around being with men romantically.
Do you have any ideas on how I can help him resolve any internal homophobia he might have and be open to who he is? I don’t have any judgment towards his sexual needs and desires; I just want to make sure he is being honest with himself.
— Concerned Girlfriend
Dear Concerned Girlfriend,
I have an entire chapter in my book, Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto, dedicated to just this topic. I wrote:
By the age of twenty-three, I had read too much queer theory for my own good. I had made a distinction between my sexual and romantic attractions, convincing myself I was bi-sexual (notice the hyphen) but hetero-romantic, meaning that I was sexually attracted to men, women, and nonbinary folks but could only date and love women… That is until I met George one weekend in Provincetown in the autumn of 2014.
Being bi-sexual but hetero-romantic is a valid sexual orientation, but in my case, your fears would have been 100% warranted. I was struggling with internalized biphobia. I wasn’t permitting myself to love a man and was suppressing my romantic feelings towards them. This could also be the case for your boyfriend, or it could not be. (I know that everyone’s sexual identity does not mirror mine.)
Here’s what I’ll say: You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t force it to drink. In other words, you can be supportive of your boyfriend and encourage him to embrace his same-sex desires in more than just a physical manner. But I would not tell him that he’s a closeted bisexual. I wouldn’t thrust a label upon him. Most people do not like being told what their sexual identity is, especially closeted men. So if you say, “You’re definitely bi,” his response isn’t likely going to be, “Oh, you’re right!” Instead, he’ll likely be defensive and double down, “Screw you! I’m straight!” There’s a delicate dance here, a fine line you must walk when supporting.
So, how can you be supportive? For one, just keep the conversation going. Let him know that you wouldn’t love him any less if he were romantically attracted to men. You’d remain by his side. You just want him to be happy.
Then, perhaps you can ask if he’d want to watch gay or bisexual (MMF) porn together? I would frame it less as “I’m doing this for you” and more as “It would turn me on seeing you get off to men.” I think this increases the likelihood of him being comfortable with the idea because it feels like less of a “him” issue. Watching queer porn together for your sake allows him to engage in his same-sex desires in a safe and consensual way, fostering trust between you both and encouraging a deeper understanding of his feelings without the burden of a label.
I also wonder if he’d be interested in you pegging him. Of course, not all men who bottom are queer, but he may feel more comfortable embracing his same-sex desires after he’s done a physical, sexual act with you that’s traditionally deemed “gay” by society.
Concerned Girlfriend, I’m interested in your end game. You didn’t mention whether you’re polyamorous, but you’re encouraging him to sleep with and eventually date other men, right? That will undeniably change the dynamic of your relationship. I’m not saying he will leave you for a man, but I do want you to be prepared emotionally for whatever changes may occur in your relationship if he realizes he is bisexual (no hyphen) and wants to explore a romantic relationship with a man.
Regardless, I think you’re doing the right thing. And I can’t tell you how much it warms my heart to hear a girlfriend not be frightened or threatened by her boyfriend’s (potential) bisexuality.
I wish you the best of luck supporting your boyfriend.
